Where Do I Go When I Need To Get Away? What Does It Mean To Come Home?
Some days I love the idea of escape. Just run off and leave all the complicated stuff behind. Don't look back and keep on moving. I tried taking off for a day a couple times, years ago. I found when I got to the beach, I couldn't sit still. It didn't solve any of the problems I was trying to run away from. I quit trying to escape.
But not really. My next phase was to imagine running away. We watched the movie, "Into The Wild" and I was enamored. I bought the soundtrack. Whenever I felt like running, I'd listen to that music. During that time I was working about 30 minutes from home. I'd put on the music and drive. I'd consider the possibility of just driving on past my job and out into the Columbia River Gorge. Just keep going. I never did. But it gave me a sense of satisfaction to think I could if I really wanted to. That phase passed as well.
Now when I want to escape, I read a novel or go for a walk in nature. With my Mom's illness, I've felt the need to escape a lot. I've been reading Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series. At this point, it is comprised of eight long novels. I'm on number seven. It's been a great escape. A place I could wander off to and not feel my own complex emotions.
We have a giant fir tree on our property. I go and lean against the tree and just breathe. Let the tears roll or the rage rumble. When I finally feel my roots deep into the earth intertwined with the tree's, I return to home.
No matter the escape, I always choose to return to my life, my love, my family. Life is f#cking complicated sometimes. It asks a lot of us and can seem overwhelming. Having some kind of escape can help take a little bit of the pressure off. But in the end, I choose the life I have.
It's taken me a long time to find home, that place I connect to, where I feel a part of the world around me. Connection is the key for me. And, for me, it's my husband and my family. They are the center of my universe, my home.
Photo credit: Amber Clark