Being visible? Being invisible? It can't be being invisible, I've been that my whole life.
You got to play the voice of reason for me this morning
But I didn't want to listen to reason
I wanted to rage
I wanted to dance on the drum of emotion
I wanted to scream and yell and be alive
I didn't want to listen to reason or patience
I know that voice
Several years ago I participated in a personal growth retreat. The retreat consisted of exercises, some in groups and others individually oriented. During one of the group exercises, we were given a map, several tools and told to head out and setup camp when we arrived. The group I was in spent considerable time planning how we were going to arrive at the appropriate location. The other groups were long gone before we finally decided we should quit planning and start moving.
The energies are swirling around me, pushing me to growth and change. And, I am uncomfortable.
I am taking an herbal class on herbal energetics. The goal is to learn to communicate with plants through our senses, primarily through taste. One of the first lessons is about the need to connect with nature and to be open.
I have also signed up for a two week challenge by Kamana to spend time in nature each day for 15 days giving thanks. Part of this process is about being in a sit spot which is a place to observe and connect in nature.
I can feel the energy of spring pushing through the surface of my mind. Like the first leaves unfurling from the dormant plant, my being seems to be awakening. It's been a long winter, lasting several seasons for me but I feel this excitement about life that hasn't been there for a long time.
I am recovering from a urinary tract infection. While I was reading articles deciding how I wanted to treat the infection, I found several referring to the emotional state of being "pissed off" and how it may be related to the infection. At first I thought I really wasn't angry about anything and moved on to other articles.
But, this morning, all of the anger has surfaced and I wonder which piece or pieces may have contributed to the infection...
I have decided rather than choose a new year's resolution this year, I am going to start each month with a new focus. For the month of January it is, clear the clutter.
It seems projects tend to pile up both figuratively and literally in my life. I have lots of ideas about things to do and supplies for old projects I've intended to do throughout the house. I once heard each of these "projects" pulls a bit of our energy anytime we think about them or walk by those supplies.
My entire life has been colored by a need for perfection. For years, I believed I could somehow please everyone. Slowly, I discovered that wasn't possible. I started living more from my heart and less from the need to be perfect and have my life look perfect. There is an eerie connection between perfection and control. I think Bree on Desperate Housewives exemplifies this. In order to have everything perfect, we must exert control over every aspect of our lives.
I found my first gray hair in my early twenties but until a couple of years ago have colored to keep them covered. Then I decided to go natural. It worked until I saw the pictures from my Mother's 70th birthday party. I panicked and colored again. That lasted about 6 months and then a couple of months ago I got tired of the fake color.