to write a novel
with the energy of many
it's to be a memoir
What if none of it is real. What if the world is a holographic projection of the collection of our minds. We are pretty attached to these bodies and our stuff. But what if none of it is real.
What if we are mighty and playful and can be, do and have anything we want. What if global warming isn't real. Not as in, "they" are making it up. But as in we created it by our beliefs.
Some nights run on forever, fire pulsing. The mind tries to swallow us whole. Last night was one of those nights. Below are the bits of poetry running me round and round. Note, I am not a danger to myself. Suicide is not an option. I saw and felt it with my son. I won't repeat the pattern. So, I journey through the pain of loss and love and trying to find my place in the world.
never quite connecting
can't get comfortable
feel like the misfit
the square that doesn't fit
with the circles
or is it the other way around
My dear love
Life is short
and the value is in the loving
Cherish every moment
how much love can you see right here and now
Live a life you can feel good about
one where you know you made a difference
where you gave your best
When you look back
it will be the overall essence
not the doing and tasking that remains
As you age
grief will become your constant companion
like an old pair of shoes
the ones you loved in the beginning
but now don't quite fit right
I feel suspended in time. I am dealing with my Mom’s estate and I continue to take stock of her life. She told me in the year before her death she was a social misfit; she had no social grace. Funny thing is that is what I noticed my whole life. My mom was loud and boisterous. She laughed, loud, at jokes. She went about her life doing what she did, insisting others help her on her time, being the center of her own life. As a child, I found it embarrassing.
Some days I love the idea of escape. Just run off and leave all the complicated stuff behind. Don't look back and keep on moving. I tried taking off for a day a couple times, years ago. I found when I got to the beach, I couldn't sit still. It didn't solve any of the problems I was trying to run away from. I quit trying to escape.
I woke at 2:00 this morning with a dream.
I was driving a car at night down a highway. It was a smooth peaceful ride and then I came to a corner. As I moved into the corner, the car kept going straight. I grabbed tighter but still wasn't making the turn. I looked down and realized I held onto the gear shift with my right hand and the door handle with my left. I moved my hands to the steering wheel and tried to make the corner as I spun into the gravel. The dream seemed to end there though I was left with the impression of seeing myself land in the trees of the forest.