Its a rainy day.
I've had only a few hours sleep.
Spent hours in the night
updating the front page of the site.
Now I have a home for my writing
I find I have nothing to say.
Its that force of expectation.
Its that idea I "should be" doing this.
I know, its nonsense -
I do it because
stories told about my conception
lies and deception
a light hidden
a false foundation
mommy goes to school
no daddy to fill the gaps
too many goodbyes and tear streaked cheeks
grandma and grandpa left holding hands
too young to understand
finally an adult
family members' attempted suicides
bring fear of loss
powerless to change
The one as close as your breath
The one who can soothe and
bring those shoulders down from your ears
I will always love you
I will release the tension in your chest
I will help you sleep
when your eyes will not shut
I will heal your heart
if you will let me work my way through it
Sometimes my ways
may seem painful
but the journey
is always worth it in the end
Come, follow me
down the trail of life
down the trail of your beingness
But not gray days
I love bright, sunny days
when the sun shines
and the air is heavy with expectation
of the growth all around us
and I can feel life unfurling
and feel the possibilities.
I love rainy days
when the sun is hidden
behind sodden clouds
when the world is being washed clean
the plants are getting a drink
and the birds flit here and there
sometimes hiding out
under an overhanging branch.
It keeps visiting
That anxious, antsy feeling
Jumping out of the skin feeling.
Spinning out of control
No desire to do what's in front of me
Only want to spin
But not spin in a dance or a song
Spin, like a spiral, out of control.
What is this energy that possesses me?
What am I supposed to be doing I don't see?
Where am I supposed to be going I don't know?
I want you to know
I don't blame you for the dark
things that happened to me
when I was a child.
I don't have any anger towards you.
I have long since accepted
you did the best you knew how at the time.
And, I truly believe
you left not only for your own sanity
but for my safety as well.
I believe some subconscious part of you knew
he was no good for either one of us.
I have come to this place in my life of acceptance
Acceptance of what really happened
It rained last night.
The ground is muddy and the grass squishes in places
but the world has been washed clean once again.
Thousands of diamonds hang from the Willow tree
reflecting the morning sunlight.
Like my life depended on it
My inner thoughts
My learning process
To encourage contemplation
A balm for pain
I have a voice
Writing brings me to life
Without it, I become aimless and angst ridden
Daily writing makes me smile
It doesn't judge
It touches others
It makes me whole
I stand at the edge of the abyss.
But it's really only darkness.
If only I could shine a light on this dark,
I might be able to see what's there.
It's the noise in the night that terrified me as a child.
It's the memories I couldn't quite grasp as an adult
That constricted my throat and made it impossible to breath.
It's the things of childhood I couldn't speak of,
The darkness that split my being into pieces.
Some part stayed and she's still lost in the darkness.
The rest turned the other way and moved on.
Spring sprouts in my heart
New life unfurling inside
Green bits showing now
Sense of direction
Aliveness brings clarity
Life moves forth today