Lately,
I've been an infrequent visitor
The best pathway I know
kneel down at the altar
bow my head
give it up to the Divine
maybe cry a few tears
say a few words of gratitude
get up off that bench
and walk

The fog holds steady in the trees
above, a bright blue sky
the sun grows ever brighter
but still
the fog holds steady in the trees.

Taking my time
Allowing the tears
Not pushing too hard
Simple walks outside
no big agenda
simply being present
Watching out the window
still or windy
birds flying by
clouds floating 
or filling the sky
taking it all in
Taking forward steps
but small gentle ones
no guilt included
Surrendering to what I need
right here, right now
a handful of chocolate chips
a glass of wine
asking to be held
letting the tears slip out
snuggled in a big blanket

Home
in my husband's arms
curled against his back
holding his hand
my anchor 
Home
curled up on the sofa
wrapped in a warm blanket 
glass of wine nearby
Home
time with my daughter
laughing and sharing our lives
the connection
that spans the miles
Home
door closed
my personal space
sinking into my deepest self
allowing words to flow
Home
used to be talking with my mom
plotting garden ideas
or discussing family and life
that piece is fluttering

You wore colors, 
oh so many colors
You wove a connecting thread
through scattered bits of family
binding us all into one
You gave of your time, talent and dollars
to help those less fortunate
and support your community
You were strong and independent
and maybe a bit stubborn
and once you made a choice
you saw it through no matter the cost
You quietly built a life
anyone could be proud of
and in the end, you left 
a legacy of love and wisdom
For me, you were just mom

Living questions
they are like 
agreeing to disagree
those questions
with no answers
you decide to let lie
Why?
Why did he do it?
How?
How did we get there?
Could I have anything differently?
Which thing?
Why did they hate me so much
as to want to destroy my career?
Where did this stone originate?
Why do I feel unworthy,
at times?
How do I heal this pain
in my heart and soul?
What is the secret
to a life well lived?
How do I impart my knowing

Hey You!
Yes, You!
Has anyone told you lately
how beautiful you are
how the light shines
just so through your eyes
how your smile
lights up the room
how your presence
makes us feel safe
like everything 
is going to be okay
You are perfect
just the way you are
you don't need some
new beauty regimen
or a big exercise program
you just need to be you
love yourself
like you love others
put down the hammer
and pick up the feather
gently stroke your cheek

I sit in vigil
as my Mom 
lies in the next room
waiting for death
to carry her away
from her failing body
Two and a half years ago
I sat with family
as we set my son's remains
deep into the earth
it has been a period
of deep grieving
and swift change
within our family
What have I rebuilt?
After my son's death
I took a deep dive
into the depths of my soul
looking for clues
feeling the misery
of failed parenting
lack in building a man
who could survive

Superpowers.
This is how I see it today -
I was once told
I am the sand in the oyster 
that makes the pearl
I see it as simply pushing 
for what I see as right -
and that can make
others uncomfortable
I can guide and encourage 
and kick butt when needed
I do what needs to be done
whether it's easy or not
I am a lioness for my family
bottom line -
don't fuck with them.
I learn fast and solve problems
I'm creative -
molding earth or plants or words

The wild one
the untamed one
the one who is most at home in nature
the one who loves to play in the soil
tending sweet plants
the one who runs to a tree
when life becomes too much
She's really good at hiding
staying tucked just around the corner
You can't be changed 
if they can't see you
When you least expect it
she rises up and speaks her truth
swings her tail in the middle
of your neat and tidy life
shoving aside the pretense
opening the door for fresh air
You can't tame her