Photo by Jason Williard (1983-2016); used with permission

Photo by Rick Medlen on Unsplash

that moment 

when the sun peeks 

over the horizon

Photo by Chris Ensey on Unsplash

Healing looks like
making connections
between the past and
current behavior

Healing looks like
discovering
I'm a people pleaser 
and how pervasive that is

Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

This morning
my desire is to sit
enjoy
drink in the world around me

Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash

unfolding
open myself to possibility, life
unfolding
allow air into my lungs
unfolding
let my arms hang down, stop protecting
unfolding
touch, awaken, spark of life

Slipping behind
wandering off on my own path
letting it all go
I wander this foggy path
going nowhere
not caring
just being
no beginning
no end
tears ride
at the edges

What happens when a life is filled with death
when the blanket of grief lays over our days
when the sun no longer shines
and the waters flow continuously

What happens when we surrender
sleep when sleep wants to come
quit trying to force it into a container
move when we want to move
stop the incessant need to produce

cease the endless struggle
slip slowly into slumber
sit silently in surrender
sing songs of celebration

Grief
the quiet
where there used to be conversation
the emptiness
where there used to be connection, communion
the shadows
of what used to be
it's all the quiet, empty shadows
that haunt me
that leave me wanting
sinking my shoulders
drawing forth tears
for what used to be

Some nights run on forever, fire pulsing. The mind tries to swallow us whole. Last night was one of those nights. Below are the bits of poetry running me round and round. Note, I am not a danger to myself. Suicide is not an option. I saw and felt it with my son. I won't repeat the pattern. So, I journey through the pain of loss and love and trying to find my place in the world.

Alone again
like always
forever
never quite connecting
can't get comfortable
feel like the misfit
the square that doesn't fit
with the circles
or is it the other way around

My dear love
Life is short
and the value is in the loving
Cherish every moment
how much love can you see right here and now
Live a life you can feel good about
one where you know you made a difference
where you gave your best
When you look back
it will be the overall essence
not the doing and tasking that remains
As you age
grief will become your constant companion
like an old pair of shoes
the ones you loved in the beginning
wore everywhere
but now don't quite fit right