And if I don't?
bravery has been replaced
by survival
is it brave
to hold myself together
to walk this road
from life to death
to hold the hand
of one who is leaving
to look her in the eye
and know the end
it's all about time
letting go
while holding on
wanting to scream
but saying I love you
is it brave
to stay
when I want to run
to keep loving
when the embrace is cold
to stay
when I can no longer connect
I don't seem to have space
Only myself
I've been blessed
by the action of forgiveness
I sat with my Grandmother
as she lay dying
In the quiet of the room
I experienced the grace
of forgiveness
for wrongs done
in my family of origin
Later, I found forgiveness
of the betrayal
of one family member
to another
that left our lives
torn asunder
But to forgive myself
is a long and arduous journey
So many little moments
come to the forefront of my mind
stupid little things really
she feels the wholeness of all things
she knows the pure joy of surrender
abused from the start
cared for on occasion
she continues on
she yearns for the lithe state
flexibility, movement, freedom
she feels things
she is the connection
to all that is
This holy body
holds the memories
of all that has passed
she's ready to release
surrender to the ecstasy and delight
feet grounded in the deep earth
arms spread in invitation
showers raining down
washing her clean
The only truth I know-
you can love
with all your heart
you can guide
gently or firmly
you can build
from the ground up
molding and nurturing
or slapping into shape
but in the end
you can't force another
to love themselves
to find value in being on this earth
you can't force them
to live life your way
you can tell them every day
how much you love them
but in the end
they have their own journey
their own road to walk
for better or worse
it's not up to you
standing on the edge
unknown destination
body trembling
anxious to move
get on with the journey
like a horse at the gate
pawing the ground
snorting anticipation
but what's the game
where's the goal
time to get moving
whatever the next step
it'll spur me forward
hopefully take away
this crazy feeling inside
The small child
impish grin and twinkling eyes
quietly underfoot
small among the giants
The girl
who believed the boy
"you step off those stairs
I'll kill you"
The teenager
trying to fit in
but you have to choose
wild partier or smart studious one
The young woman
still feeling small
in a big girl body
pretending to be all grown up
The mom
being a wife first
letting them call the shots
but just wanting to play with her babes
The woman
A tiny seed of thought
not even conscious
just a little niggling feeling
something was changing
take notice
and I'm on the slippery slope
to nowhere, everywhere, anywhere
I try to hold back
brace myself against the sliding
I want answers
I want to know where
and how and why
but there are no answers
just this damned sliding
into the abyss
Photo credit: Jason Williard (1983-2016)
She stood
looking out over the landscape
the skies were a dull gray
She longed
for the bright days of summer
for the blooming of the flowers
and the hum of the bees
Instead the dark season
lay upon the land
the spent flowers hung as
little lumps at the end of the stems
the leaves no longer clung to the trees
instead, they blew into the low places
cloaking the earth for the times ahead
As she stood looking out
her heart felt heavy
the winter rains and wind
I belong to myself
and to my family
to my God
and to Mama Earth
I am a complex world
wrapped inside one soul
In rare moments
I open the door
allowing another in
but mostly
hiding the truth
of my multifaceted light
Something has changed
somewhere I made a decision
not to listen to the voices in my head
to just move forward
let them clamor in the background
tell me what they'd like
I don't hear them anymore
Ironically what's left
is almost as unsettling
I'm wandering a bit
lost in a world of unknowns
feeling like I should be somewhere
with nowhere to go
I wish I could tell you what I did
to make the voices slip away
I have no idea
Maybe I realized they weren't real
they were figments of my