Slipping behind
wandering off on my own path
letting it all go
I wander this foggy path
going nowhere
not caring
just being
no beginning
no end
tears ride
at the edges

What happens when a life is filled with death
when the blanket of grief lays over our days
when the sun no longer shines
and the waters flow continuously

What happens when we surrender
sleep when sleep wants to come
quit trying to force it into a container
move when we want to move
stop the incessant need to produce

cease the endless struggle
slip slowly into slumber
sit silently in surrender
sing songs of celebration

Grief
the quiet
where there used to be conversation
the emptiness
where there used to be connection, communion
the shadows
of what used to be
it's all the quiet, empty shadows
that haunt me
that leave me wanting
sinking my shoulders
drawing forth tears
for what used to be

Some nights run on forever, fire pulsing. The mind tries to swallow us whole. Last night was one of those nights. Below are the bits of poetry running me round and round. Note, I am not a danger to myself. Suicide is not an option. I saw and felt it with my son. I won't repeat the pattern. So, I journey through the pain of loss and love and trying to find my place in the world.

Alone again
like always
forever
never quite connecting
can't get comfortable
feel like the misfit
the square that doesn't fit
with the circles
or is it the other way around

My dear love
Life is short
and the value is in the loving
Cherish every moment
how much love can you see right here and now
Live a life you can feel good about
one where you know you made a difference
where you gave your best
When you look back
it will be the overall essence
not the doing and tasking that remains
As you age
grief will become your constant companion
like an old pair of shoes
the ones you loved in the beginning
wore everywhere
but now don't quite fit right

Content warning: swear words

This is not about you
this is not about being mean to you
this is not about not loving you
this is not about wanting a man-bun
this is about me
this is about me crashing
this is about the past
rearing its ugly head
and dominating my world

Lately,
I've been an infrequent visitor
The best pathway I know
kneel down at the altar
bow my head
give it up to the Divine
maybe cry a few tears
say a few words of gratitude
get up off that bench
and walk

The fog holds steady in the trees
above, a bright blue sky
the sun grows ever brighter
but still
the fog holds steady in the trees.

Taking my time
Allowing the tears
Not pushing too hard
Simple walks outside
no big agenda
simply being present
Watching out the window
still or windy
birds flying by
clouds floating 
or filling the sky
taking it all in
Taking forward steps
but small gentle ones
no guilt included
Surrendering to what I need
right here, right now
a handful of chocolate chips
a glass of wine
asking to be held
letting the tears slip out
snuggled in a big blanket

Home
in my husband's arms
curled against his back
holding his hand
my anchor 
Home
curled up on the sofa
wrapped in a warm blanket 
glass of wine nearby
Home
time with my daughter
laughing and sharing our lives
the connection
that spans the miles
Home
door closed
my personal space
sinking into my deepest self
allowing words to flow
Home
used to be talking with my mom
plotting garden ideas
or discussing family and life
that piece is fluttering