A gathering of family
to honor the birthday
of a loved one, now gone.
Candles fluttering or
flickering out in the breeze.
Flowers placed on the mandala
surrounding his final resting place.
Bits of sharing,
a few tears,
some silence
and some laughter.
Then on to a glass of wine,
a "blech" by Grandma as
she tastes the brew she doesn't like.
All in celebration of the one,

Writing -
it's been a while,
wandering in the dark,
hiding around the corner.
But now,
with spring upon us,
I crawl up from the
deep, dark, moist Earth
and begin again.

Grief and rage
turned into action
tempered by love,
and Tribe
I want something
bigger than tribe

I'm trying to move,
sadness continues to be
my constant companion.
My mind is a constant swirl.
I can feel the stirring of spring.
I can feel the pressure
of tasks long left undone.
I no longer want to just curl up
in front of the fire,
or stay in my cave
and ignore the rest of the world.
But I also don't seem to have
any forward moving energy.
So, I'm just letting it be,
finding one thing
that calls me in the moment.
Baby steps, I believe they call it,
steps into the now.
It seems crazy

An evening of remembrance -
stories shared
with a best friend,
another one who adored him.
Once again
I'm back to the why.
I reach this place of acceptance,
of letting go and moving on.
Then something happens
to bring back the senselessness
of the whole affair.
That darkness he hid so well,
the one that ate him
from the inside out,
the one we caught glimpses of
over the years
as he battled with the monster
known as depression.
How can someone so good,
so loving and giving
not see what we could all see?

It's the end
the story is over.
There will be no more worry.
There will be no more angst.
I'm sorry you couldn't find another way.
I'm sorry life got so hard.
I'm sorry you couldn't see beyond tomorrow.
I'm sorry to let you go.
I'll miss your sense of humor.
I'll miss your amazing photos.
I'll miss watching you finish our garden path.
I'll miss your playful spirit.
I'll miss your tender soul.
I'll miss my son.
I'm proud to have been your Mom.
I'm proud of the man you were.
I'd take another day of worry

I see before me a beautiful soul
who sometimes swims alone in the dark.
I want you to know
you can call on me even in your darkest hour.
I am terrified when I see that look in your eyes
of hovering on the abyss of darkness.
I want to see peace and contentment
in your eyes.
I want to be able to celebrate your todays
without fearing for your tomorrows.
I want to know
you are okay.
I want you to know
I love you and I see you.
I will love you
even when you don't think
you can hold on for another day.