I have a confession to make. I come, and I go. I share and then disappear. Sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it.
You see, I struggle with what seems are inner demons - those voices inside telling me I'm bad, useless, a failure. Hmmm, that's not even accurate.
Let's start over. I seem to have a cycle. I feel good. I have ideas. I start to take steps towards creating - something. I may do a little or a lot of work towards the goal and then "it" sets in. It is as though I cross an invisible line. I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or why. My ideas seem useless. Or, I look at myself as the creator of said idea and think, "There's no way I'm qualified to ..." The darkness completely stops me.
I recently had an aha moment. I realized the darkness and confusion come from the injured little girl inside. I've done a lot of therapy. I've taken many steps to feel like an adult in this world rather than a small child in a big person's body. But she's still there.
She still feels small. She still wants to be invisible. It's safer that way. No one can hurt you when you're invisible. She craves a safe nest. She can sing her songs or play her games, and no one will bother her. When I start wanting to create, it threatens her safety.
The fog settles in. I get lost again. It's like wandering in the woods. That little girl is quite the magician. I realize how powerful she is to create this glamour over my adult self. I drift and stumble and feel bad about myself. Eventually, I let go of the idea. Once I do, the path clears. Though, I am now in a new land. The old ideas no longer make any sense. So, I move on doing those things required of me each day - job, home care, garden. All those safe tasks. Then the cycle starts all over again. I have a glimmer of an idea...
I can't say the on again, off again nature will change. But, I'm trying - maybe by sharing this confession. We'll see. I do appreciate your patience and willingness to wander along the path with me.