Photo by Rachel Pfuetzner on UnsplashAgreements
with the self
too many made
not enough kept
leaves one distrustful
backed into a corner
A needed change
too much to handle
Failure seems inevitable
so why start

What can you do
at this moment
to make it better?

Photo by Chris Ensey on Unsplash

Healing looks like
making connections
between the past and
current behavior

Healing looks like
discovering
I'm a people pleaser 
and how pervasive that is

Some nights run on forever, fire pulsing. The mind tries to swallow us whole. Last night was one of those nights. Below are the bits of poetry running me round and round. Note, I am not a danger to myself. Suicide is not an option. I saw and felt it with my son. I won't repeat the pattern. So, I journey through the pain of loss and love and trying to find my place in the world.

Alone again
like always
forever
never quite connecting
can't get comfortable
feel like the misfit
the square that doesn't fit
with the circles
or is it the other way around

Content warning: swear words

This is not about you
this is not about being mean to you
this is not about not loving you
this is not about wanting a man-bun
this is about me
this is about me crashing
this is about the past
rearing its ugly head
and dominating my world

Lately,
I've been an infrequent visitor
The best pathway I know
kneel down at the altar
bow my head
give it up to the Divine
maybe cry a few tears
say a few words of gratitude
get up off that bench
and walk

Taking my time
Allowing the tears
Not pushing too hard
Simple walks outside
no big agenda
simply being present
Watching out the window
still or windy
birds flying by
clouds floating 
or filling the sky
taking it all in
Taking forward steps
but small gentle ones
no guilt included
Surrendering to what I need
right here, right now
a handful of chocolate chips
a glass of wine
asking to be held
letting the tears slip out
snuggled in a big blanket