Some nights run on forever, fire pulsing.. The mind tries to swallow us whole. Last night was one of those nights. Below are the bits of poetry running me round and round. Note, I am not a danger to myself. Suicide is not an option. I saw and felt it with my son. I won't repeat the pattern. So, I journey through the pain of loss and love and trying to find my place in the world.
Alone again
like always
forever
never quite connecting
can't get comfortable
feel like the misfit
the square that doesn't fit
with the circles
or is it the other way around
Truth is
I think I'm losing my mind
going off the deep end
What's the point
of this whole exercise anyway
Life is confusing
round and round and round we go
when we stop nobody knows
in the midst, stuff
buy stuff, make stuff, do stuff
love, live, laugh
cry, grieve, resist
if the whole point is surrender
I give
In the age of craziness
she was the craziest
walking down the street
barefooted, hair flying in the wind
dress flowing
on occasion
you'd hear her laughter
off in the distance
no one ever knew
who she spoke with
or what she laughed about
the angst of a nation
of the world
too many people
fighting for their place
wanting to be heard
the louder they screech
the less anyone is heard
the clamoring drowns them all
Sleep eludes me once again
I lie, wide awake
I sit, yawning, wondering
It's like there's a secret
boiling under my skin
wanting to be told
yet hiding from the light
Do I even know myself
my own dreams and desires
I am a shadow
of some former reality
no bones left to stand
no heart left to love
no skin left to feel
just emptiness.
And, yet within the empty
the fire burns
lighting something within
sending whole worlds
spinning into orbit
I want to dance the night away
feet pounding on the earth
draining this fire away
clearing my mind
freeing my body
from this never-ending journey
grief has swallowed me whole
turned me inside out
and left me gasping on the shore
old pain, old injury
winds up through my soul
choking off the love
strangling desire
leaving me trembling