Letting Go of Perfection
My entire life has been colored by a need for perfection. For years, I believed I could somehow please everyone. Slowly, I discovered that wasn't possible. I started living more from my heart and less from the need to be perfect and have my life look perfect. There is an eerie connection between perfection and control. I think Bree on Desperate Housewives exemplifies this. In order to have everything perfect, we must exert control over every aspect of our lives.
I'm learning that letting go of perfection is a life long process. It's not something we can just one day decide to change. It infects every aspect of life and as we learn to let go in one area, another seems to show up to take it's place. The funny thing is when I look back over my life, I never consciously wanted to control others. But, in trying to create perfection, it seems others viewed my actions as controlling.
I watch my daughter now as she learns to balance her own life of children, husband, school and I can see the imprint. My children are good people and I can see much of their goodness reflected in what I taught them. But, I can also see the challenges they face as a result of my own struggles. It's a bittersweet view that simply is. There is no changing anything and there should be no regrets, though there are a few. Now, I must simply celebrate who they are and allow them their own journey.
I've been reading Susun Weed's New Menopausal Years and she discusses the change from Mother to Crone. My children no longer need a mother in the way I've been in the past. They may choose to come to me for advice or a shoulder when things are difficult but they are now adults. My job now is to build a new life, a new being who isn't mother first. Perhaps I can take this journey with less need for perfection and more balance.