I've been absent. I have been struggling with this underlying sadness, and a dark, dreary apathy. It's ironic, because I'm a basically happy person. I laugh a lot and find much in life to love. And yet, this writing has brought out the pain underlying it all. In honesty, I've always known it was there. It hangs like clouds off in the distance, signaling a pending storm. I work hard to keep the storm at bay. Working hard here being a physical statement as well as an emotional one. Go, go, go. Do, do, do.
In writing, I have been expressing the emotions lying underground. It's all been surfacing, rolling up constantly. I have started to feel like I write only of the dark, the deep, painful emotions and nothing of the joy of life. And, I stopped because I hate to just drone on about the pain. But the pain wants a voice. I suppose its what happens when you spend 57 years locking it up. Oh, I've done counseling - lots of it. I've talked with others about what I was experiencing. But, its only been for a little while. The rest of the time, its suck it up and move on. I used to tell people, I could laugh or I could cry and I hate people who whine all the time, so I laugh. Until now.
Spring is bursting all around me. It's always been my favorite time of year. I love being in the garden and have a list of projects lined up to be done. I have always taken advantage of the burst of energy spring generates. But this year, the energy isn't there. I suspect it has to do with starting to express the deeper emotions. The volcano isn't threatening to rupture, therefore, I don't have to expend all the excess energy. I think I may be slowly moving into a new way. The path isn't clear yet but perhaps it will be a bit more slow and steady rather than burst and bust.
Meanwhile, I suspect there'll be a preponderance of poetry about the pain, the dark side of life with little smatterings about the joys. Perhaps in allowing this to express the way it wants to be expressed, I'll move into a new kind of balance.