A tiny seed of thought
not even conscious
just a little niggling feeling
something was changing
take notice
and I'm on the slippery slope
to nowhere, everywhere, anywhere
I try to hold back
brace myself against the sliding
I want answers
I want to know where
and how and why
but there are no answers
just this damned sliding
into the abyss

Photo credit: Jason Williard (1983-2016)

I've been looking at my life lately, digging for the moments when my soul reached out and tried to move me in a different direction. There are many. Some small, almost insignificant. Some brutally painful, causing a rending of self and a searching for answers. But when I consider one moment that everything changed, I remember this.

It's been a year of learning and growing. Last year at Thanksgiving, my husband bought us 23andMe genetic tests. We sent them off with anticipation of perhaps learning more about my Dad. You see, he walked out of the picture when my mom got pregnant. They were in the Air Force and as the story goes, he didn't want to be a dad so he left.

She stood
looking out over the landscape
the skies were a dull gray
She longed 
for the bright days of summer
for the blooming of the flowers
and the hum of the bees
Instead the dark season 
lay upon the land
the spent flowers hung as
little lumps at the end of the stems
the leaves no longer clung to the trees
instead, they blew into the low places
cloaking the earth for the times ahead
As she stood looking out
her heart felt heavy
the winter rains and wind
would soon drive her indoors

I belong to myself
and to my family
to my God
and to Mama Earth

I am a complex world
wrapped inside one soul
In rare moments
I open the door 
allowing another in
but mostly 
hiding the truth
of my multifaceted light

Belonging to myself
feels like
eyes clear and sparkling
a walk filled with confidence
a certain sway in the hips
that smile wrapping you in love
I've had glimpses
days when I felt
I owned myself
and my place in the world
I felt full sized
free to be all of me

Something has changed
somewhere I made a decision
not to listen to the voices in my head
to just move forward
let them clamor in the background
tell me what they'd like
I don't hear them anymore
Ironically what's left
is almost as unsettling
I'm wandering a bit
lost in a world of unknowns
feeling like I should be somewhere
with nowhere to go
I wish I could tell you what I did
to make the voices slip away
I have no idea
Maybe I realized they weren't real
they were figments of my 
overactive imagination

What am I nostalgic for?
simpler times
grace in movement
a strong, healthy body
a beautiful voice
singing my heart out
my son's laughter
family together at the holidays
my mom busy in her garden
buying plants together
these are all things
that slip away with age
one has to find grace 
in wisdom and understanding
one has to work harder
for a strong body
understand its limits
the voice falters
songs are no longer sung
people pass on
either through illness
or at their own hand

She stands
ready for this life
prepared 
from the beginning
strong, vital, alive
deep wisdom
reflected in her eyes
an old soul 
one who tends the fire
of loving, of life
the fire of change
the hearth fire
her playful spirit
twinkling eyes
and infectious smile
drawing others to her
dancing and singing
swirling in delight
digging in the earth
bringing nourishment
for body and soul

Right now
it's a desire to follow a trail
this tiny ribbon 
teasing its way through my brain
leaving breadcrumbs 
along a foreign path
my dreams are changing
how I feel is changing
it seems there is a treasure hunt afoot
except I haven't received the list yet
I'm a horse chomping at the bit
waiting at the starting gate
ready to run my heart out
instead, I wait
I'd like to say patiently
but there's an angst to it
the not knowing
it's starting that thing in my stomach
the one that binds it up in a knot

A journey
begins with a decision
a choice to change
move into the unknown
awaken something within
it can be clear
all-knowing
an act of faith
to search out
something not yet seen
find the jewel of your heart
caress it
learn it's secrets
bring it back home